Ranking the Top 3 Childhood Games

kill-the-carrier-football

Ranking the top 3 childhood games. Think of this list as particularly special since all of these games will be illegal in 5 years. Somewhere along the line, the ever-present risk of bodily harm became not-very-PC. Strange, seeing as this nation was founded on taking risks.

Sports team analogies are included for clarity:

3. Manhunt: The classic game that every kid from the neighborhood could enjoy. The hide n’ seek that got a little weird once girls starting playing and everybody got a little older. Manhunt was timeless and the game that, I hope, every child in this country had a chance to play. However, the ubiquity of the game is also the reason it gets stuck with the bronze. Can’t be the best if everybody can play. Misogyny 101.

  • Sports Analogy: Colts during the Peyton Manning-era. They were always good, but rarely reached true greatness, except for that one time in 2007. In the end, handicapped by the fact that they never had the balls to truly compete for the top spot.

2. Kill the carrier: A fundamental childhood experience. What makes this game so great is that it was a glorious reduction to the most basic human thought, “That person has something, let’s all beat the crap out of him and take it!” Kill the Carrier teaches young boys that nothing in life is free, especially medical bills.

  • Sports Analogy: Brady/Belichick-era Patriots. Always near the top of the pile. Almost always considered to be the best. Tried & true contender whose value any American man can appreciate.

1. King of the hill: Undisputed champion of childhood. The best game of King of Hill would top any other competition and that is why it’s #1 on my list. Full disclosure: I was going to name Kill the Carrier numero uno until I remembered that this game was the most thrilling of them all. King of the Hill is Kill the Carrier on steroids. In fact, King of the Hill is just Kill the Carrier at a higher altitude with even more danger involved, hence the top spot. There is just something about launching/tackling/kicking one another off a mountain of sand/dirt/whatever crap they stacked up in your childhood town that epitomizes joy. The zenith of recklessness. I would go play King of the Hill right now.*

  • Sports Analogy: Whatever March Madness Cinderella team that you support. The thrill of watching your college basketball team go on a magical run at the dance is perfectly analogous to King of the Hill. Unbridled passion that is unrivaled in the sports world. If you don’t like college basketball than you’re probably a douche anyway, ignore the list.

 

*would need some beers


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